The common American minion (Gru amarillus), due to centuries of genetic experimentation, has been rendered blind, crippled, and without senses of taste, smell, or touch. The large “eyes” are actually cancerous growths caused by an inherited genetic mutation in what was once the retinal tissue. The diet of the common American minion consists of bananas, as the repeated syllables of the word in American English triggers an insatiable hunger reaction in the common minion. When bananas are unavailable, minions have been known to eat their own flesh, seeking to end the pain of their constant “banana”-induced hunger through the pursuit of the sweet release of death. Unfortunately for minions, autocannibalism actually stalls the progress of numerous cancers in the minion body, thus prolonging the lives and, by extension, the suffering of these God-forsaken creatures. Recent humanitarian efforts have sought to end the pain of this race through extermination drives, but misguided efforts by “Facebook moms” to prolong the lives of these creatures have brought the US government’s “War on Minions” to a standstill.